Small

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions, just like the day before and the day before that. Somehow, in the course of all the dietary changes and fitness changes, in general lifestyle changes, I forgot about the hormonal changes that come cyclically.

Of course, making all of these transitions at the same time exacerbates how little stays the same. It’s comforting, to know I can’t stay at my lowest for long, but comfort has been harder and harder to find as fewer familiar elements remain. At so many points in my day- cooking something strenuously vegan, then preparing to cook again between gym sessions and employment in finding a job- I look at my hands and don’t know if I can do this. Committing to the person I want to be is hard.

And I’ve never felt so small.

There is something about feeling small though, that’s exciting. It’s more than a challenge, it’s a charge. I know where I am now, and am painfully aware of it. That means I have room to make the mistakes I will, unnoticed and quietly, until I can get to where I’m going.

It won’t be easy, but it will always be changing. Even the changes will change, and that’s something to look forward to.

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